Jump to stop global warming...

There's a site that wants 600 million people jumping simultaneously to drive the Earth out of its orbit, which would, in theory (their theory) prevent global warming.

I'm absolutely stupified... Could somebody with an actual science degree please explain to me the kinetic energy required to make such a dramatic change in the Earth's orbit, I would sure appreciate it, cause this whole jumping in the name of Earth sounds like a shitload of hippie bull crap to me.

Some kitchen hardware...

Found these through boing boing:

The spooky voodo knife-holder

The Tiki mugs

I gotta say I wouldn't mind owning eiher of these babies. Especially the creepy knife-holder.

Turns out I'm a paedophile...

At least according to the paedophile test I am... Dunno how accurate it is, but it's funny as hell!

P.S. What!?!?! I even failed the test with the 13-year-olds... Gotta move to Taiwan or something, I hear you can hit on 13-year-olds all you want there!

Nice translations...

Found this in a local forum, don't know where it came from, but I do know the cleaning lady had something to do with most of the translating... Either that, or someone's trying to kill me, cause I'm still experiencing pain in my abs from all the laughing.

Excuse any grammatical errors in this post, they are due to the fact I'm chasing my ass around the room ( I laughed it off) while a specially trained monkey is writing this post for me.

ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE
The following signs have been found in various locations, using theEnglish language somewhat creatively...


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner,Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER 01:: FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.


One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S
FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Give me your wallet Robocop!

Alright now. When I read about the remarkably stupid bank robber I thought the idiocy in this world would never cease to amaze me. And I was right!

The guy from the bank may have been stupid enough to give the victim all his personal info, thoroughly written on the hold-up note, but he's got nothin' on THAT guy!

I mean what kind of a moron would try to rob a place where every single person in it carries a gun and likes it? In the presence of an on-duty cop!

I don't know about you guys, but I'm scheming up a plan to brake into the high-security jail tonight so I can rob the convicted fellons' lounge.

Weary is mine body feeling...

And I'm a bit sleepy too.

Good news: spontaneously decided to pierce my ear today. Didn't hurt at all, It's lookin pretty good.

Bad news: no way I'm gonna write something new before the 23rd... I have no idea what that is, cause I'm on one of those jobs where you don't care whether it's day or night, you just care if there's coffee in the expresso machine. And why I care about that, considering I don't even drink the stuff beats the hell out of me.

Good night!

I don't fucking believe this shit!

So I was at newgrounds.com in the mood for some interesting, out of the frame animation right... And I start watching Salad Fingers with a pretty open mind, expecting it to be somewhat non-standard. The thing is, calling Salad fingers non-standard is like calling getting hit by a freight train a mild inconvenience. It's far from mild and it saves you the trouble of feeling any inconvenience.

Salad fingers is a way off when making a point, infact it has no fucking point whatsoever! Nevertheless it will keep your jaw open throughout the whole animation by its sheer weirdness. And weird it is, I think the author has some serious issues about life in general, but that's just my opinion.

I bet he's one of those average looking, quiet guys that you'd never suspect are capable of killing and eating their wives and keeping their neighbours in the basement just for the fuck of it.

Fuck me sideways...

But don't call me a nerd.

That is, or rather it should be the new motto of the cybersex community which feels more than happy to welcome the sinulator. I know the name sounds nice, but the device itself is nothing more than an internet-form controlled dildo.

Yup, it's a fake cock you can control through the internet and there's even a demo control panel for it. But if you're a guy and not gay don't despair, there's a fake pussy too. Not only that, there are fake egg vibrators and heavy duty 12 volt batteries (prolly for some special sado-mazo kinks).

Not only that, Pervert incorporated has come up with the idea to share your unique experiences with a real live cybersex partner. The idea in short is, the harder you fuck your toy, the harder your partner's toy fucks its master.

Nice huh? I have the feeling I'll one day be a great fan of Perv inc, but for now I reserve the right to talk smack about them all I want.

OMFG, yes yes yes!!!

The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy will not suck! Or so it seems.

If you've already read the book, you can imagine how hard it would be to recreate the unique atmosphere Douglas Adams created in his book. I don't know about the tons of humour in it, but at least the screenshots look nice and the trailer is far, faaaaar better than I expected it to be. Now all is left is to wait till the movie is out. Date for international premiere is 29th of april t.y.

Everyone - keep your fingers crossed, cause if this movie sucks, I'ma bomb the motherfuckers responcible!

Even suicide won't help you!

Remember all those murderers who commit suicide in order to escape punishment? You go out and kill someone, if you do get caught you just end your devious life and save yourself all the trouble of having a sexual relationship with your 230 pound sellmate Jose and not being able to drop the soap in the bathroom, cause your ass is the most valuable asset in the west wing at the moment.

Well now, those sissy tactics may work in most judicial cases, but nothing gets away from RIAA. Some time ago RIAA sued an 83 old dead granny for copyright infrigment:

Lawyers representing several record companies have filed suit against an 83 year-old woman who died in December, claiming that she made more than 700 songs available on the internet.

The mere fact that they received a copy of the offender's death certificate from her daughter didn't even make them twitch. I mean they can't show mercy just because the woman's dead! Next thing you know they'll start leaving 12-year-old girls get away with it too.

So if your master plan is to infringe copyright laws and escape justice by taking your own life give it up. I just feel relieved virgin marry never had access to illegal mp3s. It sickness me to think what ways RIAA would use to get to her.

Don't make me go electro-static on yer arse...

Alright, now I've seen everything... Probably you know about self-defense devices such as guns, gas pistols, pepper spray, stun-guns and INSANE flashlights that blind enemy troops (cause holes in the ozone layer and make astronomers believe we're being invaded by aliens)...

Think it's too much? Yeah, me too. Believe it or not there is something even wackier. It's the formidable electrifying lizard coat. Yeah, you read that right, it's a coat that electrocutes you when you try to hit on someone. Not only it deprives your miserable life of sex (alright, it may be rape, but it's still sex), but it looks hideous too!

I feel sick to my stomach, can't wait for them to make "stinking breath mints", so you can clear a room with your breath whean you feel threatened.

Rubik's cubes are like women.

The guy who compares Rubik's cubes to women obviously never had a threesome. And obviously is a peadophille...

P.S. To avoid the eye squinting moment some of you may be experiencing, I'm refering to pictures numbered 3 and 4 respectively. Have a nice day.

Keeping one's nads and joystick warm...

Would take one of these egg/snake warmers... Either that or a girl, but hookers tend to be expensive these days.

Only fun here.

I have to say, the blog is working out not exactly to my expectations, but even though it's taking a different path than I foresaw, I'm pleased with it.

No, I haven't lost my mind. The thing is, this was supposed to be a post on animal cruelty. I dug up quite a few links on animal mistreatment and even found some pretty scary facts about how the way these animals are handled leads to serious problems with the consumers (the whole animal kingdom even; bare in mind we also live in that kingdom).

But I deleted the post. The same fate fell upon a couple of its predecessors for the same reason - those kind of posts inform you about some serious issue, but they crap up your day, without giving you the chance to do something about it (because you can't or it takes too much effort/money/time to do it). And if there is something you could do, chances are you're already doing it.

No one goes to a blog to read how some loonies committed mass suicide, or how the food you eat kills you day by day. People go to blogs to read how dolphins perform gang rapes and incest or about a gay polar bear couple fighting. That's why I'll try to keep this blog relatively clean and confine most of it's content to humor and all its derivatives.

But even after all my lectures I feel compelled to post this link, because in this case, there is something you can do. So go and watch The Meatrix, the video is pretty funny considering the concept behind it anyway.

wtf is going on...

I know the register always adds a twist of humour when dealing with trivial and down right absurd matters (when more substantial news are scarce), but what will people think when reading about artificial chromosomes, without any initial presumptions about the humour on this page? Maybe something in the lines of "Gee, what racist jerks". Or they could even post something like this on their blog:

People are paranoid and insecure, not to mention illiterate. As explained in humpin' robots, humanity is near extinction. Of course these claims have rock-solid proof to back them up. Just look what happened in I, Robot:

Robots will have their own personalities and emotion and - as films like I Robot warn - that could be very dangerous for humanity

And that's not all, the revolt is already happening, just read about teenager gets her finger stuck and toilet door won't open. How can you argue with these indisputable facts - the robot siege is on it's way!



On a related story, I did get a good laugh out of Microsoft's search for uneducated lawyears. Not that I've ever doubted Microsoft's, as it seems, purposeful and unflinching stupidity, but mixed in with some good ol' monopolistic greed the situation gets ugly. Here's just a part of the things the Ms people tried to patent:

Other recent filings include attempting to patent the "y-axis", the "IS NOT" operator in Basic, interactive test feedback, and reading ahead 20 records at a time in a database,when the user clicks the Previous or Next buttons.

And if you're not puking with disgust by now, you're probably shiting your pants laughing. Whichever it may be, my goal has been accomplished - getting you to cover yourself with your own puke/faeces. Smile, you've just been NoDuded!

The italian man who went to Malta

I got hold of this link some time ago, when I still didn't have this baby (I'm reffering to the blog, not you; you pervert) to post it to. It's at Nicco's blog at the moment, where it should be, becasue guess what, he's italian ;o)

Numanumaye

Ever wanted to see an obese motherfucker do a singalong to a mainstream gay song? No, never? Well here he is anyway.

Old tune made anew

Here's something interesting I came across recently. What do you think this modern new Golf GTI and this guy that likes singing in the rain have in common?

Yeah, I would prolly be as stunned as you if someone asked me that question, before I got the chance to watch this videoclip.

There were three dancers involved in the shooting of this commercial: Jay Walker, David "Elswhere" Bernal and Bboy Crumbs. I didn't know about any of these guys up to this point, but I'll sure as hell try to find some videoclips involving them dance.

Pretty catchy tune too - "I'm reaaaady for love... ta tara ta tarata, ta tara ta"

My first blog entry

So I’ve got a blog, eh?

The sad part is I’m feelin’ disoriented and confused. Even worst, I’m incoherent about what I wanna post on my first ever blog entry, so it looks like I’m not gonna post anything useful, funny or interesting. I’m just gonna do:

echo "Hello World!"

Bye for now and look out “world”!